Federal spending spirals out of control – as Washington bureaucrats waste our taxes on slot machine-playing, zombified pigeons cats.
Four months after the US national debt topped the $30 trillion mark for the first time in history, a new report from American Transparency, an Illinois-based nonprofit, details some of the plans. foolish, fraudulent and frivolous federal governments that have plunged us into an economic crisis. ditch.
“The federal government isn’t just wasting your money. They literally rip you off,” said Adam Andrzejewski, the band’s founder. “They are milking taxpayers like dairy cows.”
Andrzejewski pointed to a March report from the Government Accountability Office that totaled $281 billion in improper and erroneous payments in 2021 alone — not even attempting to count the billions wasted on fraud-ridden COVID relief programs.
“Which government program works well? ” He asked.
In their annual edition “Where’s the Pork?” report, Andrzejewski and his team of tax analysts analyze sky-high discretionary spending figures that have emerged over the past two years. Here’s just part of what they found.
Taxpayers are rolling the dice on a high-stakes study that aims to unravel the psychology of gambling addiction – by building a pigeon casino. The National Institute of Health has sent nearly half a million dollars to the ultra-liberal Reed College in Portland, Oregon, where researchers are taking three years to create a “self-contained miniature economy” for the herd of school birds. Pigeons are given tokens in the form of currency that they can “win, accumulate, spend or gamble” on slot machines, Dr. Timothy Hackenberg explained in the project summary. But even he admits that the “practical applications” of his work are few. Presumably, the mind-blowing budget is needed to pay for all the free rooms, free drinks, and tiny feathered waitress uniforms.
Cost: $7 million
Energize, Forgive Yourself, and Raise Some COVID Money! The pandemic has been a boon of unnecessary federal spending. Case in point: A single loan processing company sent about $7 million in Paycheck Protection Program checks to imaginary farms in impossible locations, according to a ProPublica investigation. Scammers have successfully claimed that tiny Beach Haven, NJ, a resort town of bungalows and marinas just north of Atlantic City, is home to ghost farms like the Beefy King cattle ranch and the Deely Nuts nut farm. “There is no agriculture here,” Joe Mancini, the local mayor, told the watchdog group. “We’re a sandbar, for God’s sake.” The ranch, according to the fraudulent claims, operated at Mancini’s home address — where he keeps three dogs, he said, but no cows.
Harvard biologists have turned a leaf blower, a wooden pole and a Caribbean lizard lounge into a $75,000 salary. The National Science Foundation, expressing concern about worsening climate change-induced hurricanes, paid researchers to capture 47 anole lizards in the Turks and Caicos Islands and then slaughter the animals with leaf blowers. The scientists filmed the creatures clinging to their sticks for dear life in winds of up to 108mph – and continued to record as they flew. The experiment produced hilarious YouTube footage, as well as a theory that bigger toes help lizards survive hurricane-force winds.
A Florida lab doses male rhesus macaques with feminizing hormones – with the goal of turning them trans. The experiment, funded by Dr. Anthony Fauci’s National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, aims to understand why male-to-female transgender humans suffer from high levels of HIV infection. “HIV/AIDS thrives on the margins of society,” reads the description of the uber-woke project. “No population is more affected by these social injustices than transgender people.” Scientists suspect estradiol, the hormone commonly given to transgender women, to weaken the immune system. Then drag Monkey Story Time to your local library.
Where’s the beef? Check satellite feed. With money from the National Science Foundation and the DigitalGlobe Foundation, undergraduate students at the University of California, Santa Barbara spent eight months looking at satellite images of cows, part of a project that studied interactions between livestock and wildlife. Confused students were asked to figure out how Point Reyes National Seashore cows could co-exist with native elk without bumping heads. “Spotting cows from space – this is not typical student research,” admitted ecologist Doug McCauley, who led the project.
Starred COVID documents
Cost: $14 million
The rich got richer during the coronavirus pandemic, thanks to Uncle Sam. Bold names like Kanye West, Robert Redford and Francis Ford Coppola raised big money in 2020 thanks to the Relief Paycheck Protection Program COVID. West, who now has a net worth of around $6.6 billion, received $2.4 million for Yeezy, LLC, his famous sneaker company, which was valued at $2.9 billion at the time. era. Meanwhile, $3.04 million in loans went to the Sundance Institute in Redford. Two of Coppola’s companies, Francis Ford Coppola LLC and Niebaum Coppola Estate Winery, LP together received $8.5 million. The PPP program was created to help businesses stay afloat and keep idle workers off the unemployment rolls, but for wealthy celebrities the forgivable loans didn’t pay a penny.
Russian “zombie” cats
Gruesome experiments in a Russian lab have turned cute kittens into electrically controlled zombies – with help from the US government. Researchers at the Pavlov Institute of Physiology in St. Petersburg, Russia, were paid by the US National Institutes of Health to “decerebrate” 18 healthy cats, cutting off their brain stems to prevent movement while keeping them alive. The gruesome scientists then used electrical charges to make the cats walk on treadmills, turning them into dead kittens. Congressional Republicans erupted at President Biden when news of the “cruel and unnecessary” tests leaked earlier this year, just days after Russia invaded Ukraine. “Our foreign adversaries, especially those led by tyrants, should not be given US taxpayer dollars to conduct heinous animal research,” they wrote in a March 10 letter to the president.
A smelly study funded primarily by the National Science Foundation measured animal poop to test “a mathematical model of defecation.” The researchers recorded footage of pandas, elephants, warthogs and more in their most private moments, then examined and weighed the stools, taking notes on the size and shape of the droppings and recording the duration of the defecation. The shitty study collected poop samples from 43 species at Zoo Atlanta, university pet stores, and farms. The “doody” of scientists: discovering new non-invasive methods for diagnosing animal diseases. If you’ve ever wondered how much feces a lion produces each day (less than a pound, it turns out), your taxpayers’ money has been well spent.
The NSA’s never-used garage
Cost: $3.6 million
The National Security Agency may be America’s premier intelligence-gathering organization, but it lacks the intelligence to build a functioning parking lot for employees. A blistering 2021 inspector general report shamed the agency for wasting $3.6 million on a hastily built modular parking lot at its Ft. Mead, Maryland headquarters. The finished garage, intended for 250 vehicles, held just 87 – costing $34,000 per space, the IG calculated. Worse, the European designers of the structure did not take into account the size and weight of American cars. After a year of safety testing, the agency admitted the garage was too flimsy to use. The NSA paid $500,000 to demolish the structure — which never housed a single employee vehicle — in 2019.
Cost: $6.97 million
Is it okay, doc? Stanford University scientists have used nearly $7 million in National Cancer Institute funds to build an artificially intelligent toilet system that films the user’s nether regions. Much like your fingerprint, researchers say your derriere has up to 37 unique creases that create an individually identifiable “anal fingerprint.” The toilet’s internal cameras and computers analyze the user’s urine output, track time spent on the bowl, and assess bowel movements to assess the overall health of its owner. Data is regularly uploaded to a secure site – we hope – internet cloud. However, the Stanford team acknowledges that “to reap the full benefits of smart toilets, users need to make peace with a camera that scans their anus.”